I’m Gonna Sue You Bro: What You Should Know Before You File a Lawsuit

Four score and seven moons ago (which, if my math is correct, translates to roughly “some time ago”) I brought forth on this blog a new post, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that you could take certain precautionary steps to lessen the risk of a lawsuit being filed against your business. If you were paying attention then chances are you’ve since stood atop a mountain and proudly proclaimed “Don’t Sue Me Bro!” (if you actually did that you probably have problems that I can’t help address – seek professional help). But reducing your risk of being sued is only one piece of the pie. The other piece of the pie (wait… is there such a thing as a two-piece pie? ) is what you ... Read More »

The Bankruptcy Preference: Do Nothing Wrong. Get Sued Anyway.

What if I told you that a magical world exists where giant blue creatures live in harmony with their planet but are forced to fight off an invading human force seeking out the planet’s ‘unobtanium’ (seriously, someone in Hollywood was paid to come up with that)? You’d say Avatar must have been running on cable last week (it was) and that absent a few thousand crazies devoted fans who really need to find a hobby, nobody believes the magical world of Pandora really exists. Fair enough. What if I told you that a magical world exists where Company A sells goods to or performs services for Company B, there is nothing defective or inherently wrong with the goods/services, Company B gladly pays for the goods/services, and two years later ... Read More »

Introducing DeSouza Law, P.A. (hey that’s me!)

For those of you wondering where I’ve been the past 5 months, I’d like to say I was wrestling helpless children away from the clutches of monstrous crocodiles (or was that wrestling small children who were watching monstrous crocodiles…), but alas that didn’t happen (it was sharks, not crocodiles). The public deserves humorous litigation tips and stories, and sadly I have been lacking in that department. But hey, what better way to get rolling again than with the introduction of my exciting new venture: DeSouza Law, P.A., my new law firm. After 10 years of working for large firms with loads of infrastructure and support, someone (I blame my wife) got the bright idea to walk away and form his own firm.  It’s both exciting and ... Read More »

Hell Hath no Fury Like a Defendant (With Access to the Internet) Scorned

When I was a wee lad growing up as a chimney sweep on the mean streets of London – wait, that’s my Mary Poppins story (ask me about it after a few glasses of scotch). When I was a wee lad and just beginning my journey to the dark side of the Force law school, I had a torts professor who taught a class nicknamed by many as ‘Sue the Bastards’ (yes, this is the type of education you get in exchange for crushing law school debt). I bring up this particular professor not to regale you with tales about the law school horrors that shaped me into the evil blood sucker man that I am today, but rather because I love quotes and he’s ... Read More »

I Have Had it With These [CENSORED] Employees on This [CENSORED] Plane!!

Snakes and planes and employees and lawsuits… oh my!  If you are responsible for a business that consists of more than just yourself (and seriously, if it’s just you, how do you have time to read this article?), then the vast legal and level-headed wisdom of Samuel L. Jackson (not to be confused with Laurence Fishburne) might just save you a few headaches and nightmares of evil, soulless attorneys slowly draining your life through your wallet. But before we go too far down the rabbit hole (Wizard of Oz and Alice in Wonderland references in the opening paragraph – nice), let’s get one bit of advice out of the way: No matter how peeved you are with a particular employee, quoting Mr. Jackson in any ... Read More »

To Win or Not to Win… That is the Question (that I don’t have an answer to)

2014 New Year’s Resolutions: (1) blog more; (2) yell fewer profanities at people on the drive to/from work; and (3) through steady diet and exercise, obtain a Matthew McConaughey-esque physique by June so that I may finally implement my lifelong dream of Shirtless Fridays© (coming soon to an office environment near you). While I can’t promise to achieve any of these lofty goals, in the immortal words of Bart Simpson, I promise you this: I’ll try to try. I wanted to start the year off with a question that every litigator is asked by [almost] every client: How many additional mortgages on my house do I need to take out to hire you? Is your deal with the Devil more exclusive/powerful than the lawyer on the ... Read More »

Don’t Sue Me Bro: Three Steps to Guarantee a Litigation Free Future

Have you ever yearned for a way to make lawsuits a thing of the past? Have you ever thought to yourself – “gee, I wish some brave attorney would help me a avoid a lawsuit instead of just taking all my money to represent me in one”? Well, you’re in luck, because today only and for the low introductory rate of free, I’m going to share with you my patented, 100% guaranteed method to live a litigation free future (hurry – limited quantity available). Just follow these three simple steps, and you’ll be free of lawyers forever: STEP 1: Close your business. If you manufacture/sell valves, fuel probes, or other spare parts – stop doing that. If you fly customers/cargo – ya, you’re not doing ... Read More »

Victory at All Costs (until we’ve bankrupted you, at least)

What is best in life? I suppose it depends on who you’re asking… Ask a client embroiled in litigation, and the answer might be: “to win this lawsuit as quickly and efficiently (cheaply) as possible.” Ask that client’s attorney, and the answer might be: “to meritoriously present the facts of my client’s case and ensure that I am not only fulfilling my ethical obligations but also setting an example for future generations of legal practitioners” (“might” being the operative word here). Ask Conan the Barbarian, famed philosopher/peacenik, and the answer will surely be: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of their women. We’re all friends here, so I’ll let you in on a little secret… if fur loincloths ... Read More »

Common Sense Alert: DON’T PRESS SEND

When I was but a young peasant growing up in 18th Century France (Vive la révolution!), my good friend and colleague Voltaire (whose too-cool-for-a-last-name attitude inspired both Madonna and Prince) imparted upon me some words of wisdom that ring as true today as they did on those plague-infested streets:  “Common sense is not so common.” Preach it, brother. Common sense, or more specifically the lack thereof, is what keeps us bottom-feeders attorneys busy, and business is booming. With that said, not all common sense is created equal, and I’ve devised the below poll to test your ability to weed out the most dangerous of the lapses in fundamental judgment: Options 1 and 2 are equally likely to get you dismembered, but option 3 is what should ... Read More »

You Got to Know When to [Legal] Hold Em

Talk about being ahead of his time. Most of us thought Kenny Rogers was just an average, run-of-the-mill singer, songwriter, actor, photographer, producer, writer, and member of the Country Music Hall of Fame.  In other words – boring. But now, thanks to my diligent efforts, a secret that has been kept for 35 years will be revealed and Mr. Rogers will finally gain the respect and recognition he deserves. That secret, my friends, is that Kenny Rogers understood the concept of a ‘legal’ or ‘litigation’ hold long before the terms became common lawyer parlance. Need proof? I present to you Exhibit A, straight from the lyrics to The Gambler: Now Ev’ry gambler knows that the secret to survivin’ Is knowin’ what to throw away and ... Read More »